Alone In A Crowd's Journal

Back, for the moment
I just spent the last week in San Francisco helping Craig move into his new house ( http://www.3872-19thstreet.com ), I had a great time. I havn't felt that good in ages. And now that I'm back, I'm already feeling like crap again and I have no idea why either, this heat sure isn't helping...

I will likely be moving to San Francisco for a year or two because it's a great opportunity down there for me, new area, new people, new start, I could kinda use it, and my reaction to the area was very good.

And on the note of this goddamn heat, I can't even run my main computer because it'd drive the heat in the apartment up another 15-20 degrees within an hour, even with the AC on. The laptop is overheating and tweeking out too, along with the router. Since I don't really sweat right, I'm overheated very badly. This sucks.

Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: None

Recent news
It's been a very long time since I've posted here. I really havn't been online much since about May due to health reasons and being excessively busy.

So, the most recent stuff:

I'm still single, mostly by choice right now since it seems every guy I meet is just interested in sex, and I don't want sex, I don't give a flying fuck about sex honestly. I don't really even understand what's so "great" about it. I've also made the decision to be single for a while due to health reasons, I just can't handle the stress that comes with a relationship right now, and I don't want to make someone have to deal with stress induced instabilities and breakdowns all the time, it's not fair to them. (Of course, a relationship would greatly improve my stability... Damn catch-22's...)

I may be moving to San Francisco for a year or so for job related stuff.

I found a futon in perfect condition (no spooge or pee stains, no odd odors, etc.) by the side of the road the other day, quite an improvement in my room. Brent got my old bed, and Sarah and William got his old bed, so all 4 of us are happy now.

We had a surprise party for my dad's 80th birthday on Saturday, nearly all of the family was there, it was fun. Surprisingly I didn't flip out, normally it's an assured thing I'll flip out with that many people around. Sunday my two sisters, their families, and my parents and I went to Hansville's Point No Point beach for the day. Quite fun, I distracted all of the kids by getting them involved in building a raft out of driftwood and twine, it actually turned out really well and we had fun with that. I love building things.

Friday I ended up in the ER due to a siezure type thing I had that didn't stop for about 6 hours. Got my head stuck in a CT scanner, had every blood test imaginable run, everything was fine, so they think it's environmental. Basically it looks like massive stress and very very bad diet combined with a hypoglycemic incedent. Pretty much my body's balances are all shot to hell due to stress and my horrid eating habits. At least this ruled out all of the nasty problems I was dreading.

The 4th was also really fun, I love the view from my apartment, I had a perfect view of the Lake Union fireworks.

So, yeah, I'm still alive (barely), and I really should start getting my ass in gear and dealing with the stuff causing me stress, and I should get back to posting in here.

Current Music: None

Still here, still going...
It's been a while since I have posted here. Mostly because I've been having an extremely rough time these last few weeks. I've let almost everything slide lately. I still don't have the energy to do much of anything, but at least it seems that I'm past the worst of the problems, for now. I had a true psychotic break a couple weekends ago at the Silverdale Costco. Flipped my lid, wanted to kill people, slugged my dad, broke a bunch of shit in the store, just a general freak out. I havn't had one like that in a very long time. I hate not having control over myself... And I had a depression attack after going to the merc last Friday. Stupid me, I got hammered while I was there, and I wasn't in the right state for it, so I spent the rest of the night venting on IRC and doing my best not to cut.

Yay for mental problems... *grumble*

So, the short of that is that I'm so worn out and exhausted that my mind and body are so out of balance I'm barely able to do anything, but it is getting better and I'm finally beginning to get back on an even keel after getting the snot knocked out of me by the last few weeks. I still have a hell of a long way to go though, I almost didn't make it thru this one.

And onto more current stuff. I met a really cool, insanely hot asian Marine named Jeff, thru myspace. We were kinda headed toward a relationship until last night. Turns out he's not so great with hygeine down south... *eew* A very dumpable offense in my book. I'm also not really in a state of mind to handle a relationship, especially one where the other person is sex-driven. I'm actually kinda thinking I may try going out with a women next time around. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to handle the thing with Jeff, because I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I got seriously grossed out yesterday by his lack of proper hygeine, with good reason I think. I also just want a bit of time off from anything involving a lot of effort and cost till I get my body and mind back to normal and fix my redlined finances.

Financially I'm barely ok too, I'm $9k in the hole with a $12k/year income, not good, but I'll manage. I also crashed my car twice in a week, into a car, and later I drove into a house, both times because I was too tired to judge distance on a turn properly, so low-speed crashes, but it totals about $2500 in damage, the clutch is also shot, the brakes are just about gone, and I think the timing belt is stretched, in otherwords, the car needs a lot of work and guess who doesn't have the money...

So anyway, yeah, I'm still here, still alive, and doing my best to keep it that way. I want to start spending time with my friends again at some point here, but it may be a while.

Also, if anyone wants a bunch of computer junk, I have an apartment full of it, and I need it all gone. If you want to come by and rummage thru it for upgrades and spare parts, just ask.

Current Mood: tired

Going down, again...
At least this time it's not for the usual reasons.

I'm burnt out, overstressed, extremely sleep deprived, in rather poor health, and I'm still pushing myself too hard. I don't see an end to the current trend either, there's so much I have to do and not enough time to do it and sleep and relax. Everything I do costs me the time and energy to do something else I need to do. It feels like I'm being ripped to pieces and going down by the bow while still giving everything I've got left in my drive to do what I need to. It's not a pleasant feeling. At least I'm not depressed, but I'm hitting serious health issues from the way I'm pushing myself. I'm averaging 2-4 hours of sleep a night, working two jobs, trying to run my own company, and still trying to have enough time to see friends and family so no one hates me and so I have time to relax a little. I'm flaking out on just about everything, people are getting pissed at me, and I'm pretty much helpless to stop it.

It doesn't help that I've been sick constantly since December. I've had the flu twice, a bunch of colds, mono (in December, currently it's just giving me CFS, which is really not helping), a sinus infection, a few random bacterial infections that my weakened immune system couldn't prevent (read: major acne breakout), and as of two days ago something decided to hit my insides finally, I feel real sick, hot, and I'm shitting blood (that seems to be a little better today). It's not helping that I have almost no interest in eating either, even when high now. My body's just giving up, it's given what it could for the last 9 months of this nightmare schedule I allowed myself to get into, and now it's had enough and doesn't have much more to give. Because of the sleep dep, I'm running purely on caffeine and nicoteine just to be able to handle my job at Seanet enough to not get canned.

I'm tired, I'm sick, this has been going on too long, and I don't see it getting better until the schedule gets fixed and I get some stress off my back, but it'll be weeks or months till that happens. Maybe I'm feeling what my dad feels, that wierd fatigue that comes from your whole body being loaded down and unable to repair itself because it's systems are too weak. (My dad is 80 and complains about this feeling all the time, he talks about it like it's the feeling of the long road to dying...) As strong as my body is, it's taken far more of a beating than it really can handle, I can tell, something just feels wrong deep inside me, like something's failing under a load it could never really handle.

I should probably see a dr. but there's really nothing they can do for me but make things worse by costing me money I don't have, and tell me to "take it easy" when I literally can't do that...

Current Mood: pessimistic
Current Music: phones ringing and computers...

Flying thru a singularity as a 4-dimensional waveform (Or the fun of LSD)
On Saturday I went to a DJ party in Gig Harbor with Jordan. To start with, the party was awesome, I've never been to a true party before, but I liked it. There were about 15 people in total. Almost everyone there got up and spun at the table for a bit, including Jordan (you rock!). Many times during the night everyone, and I do mean *everyone* congregated in the little camper trailer in front of the house to get high and just hang out. They had the big 2 story house to party in, but the trailer was where everyone went, it was funny.

So, about the title. I tried acid and E finally. I first did half a tab (Jordan supplied it, it came from James, so I knew it was ok) and a drop of LSD at about 10pm, waited till almost midnight when I noticed the major effects not being too intense, then did another drop and the rest of the tab of E. About an hour and a half later things got real interesting.

As a note, I do suffer from siezures, very badly in fact, when I do any kind of drug that tweeks with the DMT in my head, so doing LSD was a known calculated risk, incedentally, I did siezure for a while in the morning, but it was nothing like when I did shrooms.

For most of the night I was wandering around smoking weed, huffing nitrous, enjoying the music, cuddling with Jordan, and periodically tripping out. A lot of the trips consisted of me trying my damndest not to siezure, I do have some control over it as it seems to only affect the right side of my brain, the left side remains functioning and I'm aware and able to use biofeedback to control it. One of the notable trips was when I nearly siezured and was tripping that my consciousness was navigating what looked an aweful lot like a dense asteroid field. In my mind I *knew* if I touched any of the objects, I'd go into a siezure. (This particular trip happened a few times that night, and I did accidentally tag an "object" and siezured, which sucked) One of the trips was really wierd, my consciousness "flew" thru the asteroid field thing without incedent, then suddenly I was everything and everywhere at once, then an instant that seemed like an eternity later, I came to a singularity, then entered it, was converted to a 4-dimensional waveform, and then after another eternity I passed up into and thru the couch as the waveform, then turned back into myself. It was quite fun.

Toward the morning though, the combo of coming off of the E (plus whatever upper was in it), and not eating in 36 hours, threw enough of my chemical balances off that I couldn't fight the siezuring anymore and dropped into one for about 2 hours. Mentally it felt/looked like I just spun out of control and that was it.

Personally I think the problem was the E, which I will never do again because it also made me insanely retarded, and I don't like things that make me retarded like that. Though it was real fun watching all the etards that had a lot more than 1 tab be totally broken in the morning.

I finally quit tripping around 10pm Sunday night, I had driven from Renton (Jordan drove from the party due to my still having some problems) to Robert's place in Puyallup while tripping. It was actually a real nice experience tripping while driving down 167 on such a nice day, totally unlike driving stoned. I just sat in the left lane with the cruise control at 62mph and went with the windows down and the music off.

I have many good memories from my first party and my first time doing LSD and E. It was a good weekend, and Jordan was a great guy to spend it with.

I also am quite sure the LSD broke a few circuits in my head, but also fixed a few things, it's a very interesting drug that I shall do again in the future, but probably not for at least a year. It's a teaching and learning drug, and it taught me a lot and I learned a lot from it. I've noticed a few interesting, and good, changes in my personality and views of life due to it too. It really is a life-altering drug.

Current Mood: calm

About Jordan...
To start with, I've known Jordan online on IRC for quite a while now, nearly two years, and he is a very close friend of Andy and Val, so meeting him in RL was inevitable.

I have to say he is one of the nicest people I have ever met. I absolutely love his personality. Heck, he's just a lovable and nice guy. What makes things a little unusual for me, and is making me slightly apprehensive is our age difference, he is 30, I am 22, he is also much bigger than I am. I beleive he'd be described as a "bear". His being quite a bit bigger than me definitely causes some issues, but it also makes him very cuddly. Best of all, we do have a lot in common, which is quite a contrast from Mikey, he also treats me very well and the way I like to be treated (and vice-versa apparently), so we get along well and seem to be a good match other than the age and size difference thing. At the moment I am totally ignoring the age and size difference things, because I feel that to harp on such things is petty and retarded since I get along with him so well, but I do need to make sure that those things will not cause problems later, before we get into a relationship as I do not want even a risk of hurting him, he's too nice and kind of a guy for that. I also need to talk to him about the fact I'm technically bi, again for the same reason as I want to take things slow before committing to a relationship, I don't want to have any of my random bugs and glitches to hurt him in any way.

(Can you tell I like him?)

So, it has been a very unexpected and interesting last few days...

Current Mood: blah
Current Music: The annoying sales guy's voice...

Life is insane...
It's been a while since I've updated, and there is a lot that has happened in the last few days, so here is the review of it all.

So, to start with, I went to a 4/20 party at Andy's, I finally met Jordan there too. Somehow I get the feeling I was maneuvered there just to meet with him, but that is cool. We ended up hitting it off and cluddling on the couch after we got totally fried on way too much pot along with everyone else there. Great party, calm, relaxed, great people, just what I like.

Jordan and I met up again on Saturday to hang out, that went very well other than my reaction to shrooms, which we had decided to do on a whim. I was having siezures all night. I felt really bad about it because I know Jordan wasn't there to keep me from hurting myself while spazzing out, but he claims a couple times he let me twitch away because it felt good. I did figure out what was happening though. My senses are kinda crossed anyway, and the shrooms just magnified the effect, namely my tendency to "see" what I am touching if I close my eyes. As the trip would start, this would become very intense and I would embrace it, and about the point I would really get into the sensation my left side would start twitching, I'd feel a couple mental processes drop off (two of my 4 thought strings), and then I'd go into a siezure for the next 30+ minutes. I was conscious and aware during the siezures too, so I was very glad I had someone there holding me, otherwise that would have been a very rough night. I'm none the worse for it though.

Sunday Jordan took me to a BBQ at one of his friend's places, again, awesome people, totally amazing food too, his friend Kenmar is an insanely good cook. The weather was just beautiful on Sunday and Monday too. I loved it, I was blind as a bat both days because of all the light, but I loved it.

Current Mood: blah
Current Music: The annoying sales guy's voice...

A random what-if
Before reading the scenario: this has not occurred in RL to either myself, my friends, or my family. This is purely a fictional scenario of my own creation. Periodically I randomly come up with stuff like this, I don't know why, but my theory is it's some kind of spontaineously generated self-check.

How would you react in this situation:

The situation:

You do a double-lane merge to the left on I-5 and clip another car with the driver's side rear corner of your car causing the driver of the other car to lose control. The damage from the impact is rather minor to both cars, but the other driver losing control causes him to swerve into the path of a semi in the left lane, his car is destroyed instantly. You see this in your rearview mirror just as you are working your way over to pull off the road, almost instantly you see the semi jack-knife and flip, taking out two more cars, which in turn causes more cars to collide. This is rush hour, you have not yet pulled over, and you know given the nature of the wreck that you will be sued to the point that you will never recover financially, and your car feels like it's relatively undamaged. If you run, you likely will never get caught due to the confusion and heavy traffic, the minor damage to your car still lets you blend into the traffic. If you stop and help out with the wreck, you almost certainly will go to jail and will just as certainly end up with numerous lawsuits you cannot recover from in your lifetime.

Do you stop? Do you run?

If you run, you later find out that the accident you caused involved nearly 30 vehicles, including several semis. You get some hint of the destruction as you take the first exit to get off I5 and get to the surface streets and you see a thick column of black smoke rising behind you. The accident is so bad that it makes national news and the front page of the local papers. 6 people are killed, and many others seriously hurt, I5 is closed for nearly 18 hours, and there is also a hunt on for the driver of the car which caused the wreck, however the authorities only have a loose description of your car and not the license number, you are in the clear if you get the car repaired promptly by the local shady body shop.

Do you turn yourself in, or do you lay low for a time, then get on with your life as best you can given the knowledge of what you caused and the lives you ruined?

I would run. I would anonymously try to help the families of those involved as best I could, but I would never turn myself in. It flies totally in the face of my morals to do it, but my logic dictates that the best course of action is to protect my livelyhood and that of my family. For the rest of my life I would have the names (and probably faces) of the people killed and hurt in that wreck on my conscience. In my case I would likely not live very long after the incedent before committing suicide after being in and out of psychiatric wards and on and off medications. Mentally I would not be able to handle what happened. Turning myself in would make that problem far worse as I would likely not be able to commit suicide, and turning myself in would give the families and the state the option of suing my family into oblivion, which I would not allow for.

Current Mood: contemplative

Stolen from Daltonator
If you have more than 40, then you are spoiled...

Do you have:
(01) your own cell phone
(--) a television in your bedroom (I don't watch TV or own one, the TV just has worthless crap on it anyway)
(02) an iPod (well, not an iPod, but the vastly superior Creative Zen Micro)
(--) a photo printer
(--) your own phone line (not anymore)
(03) TiVo or a generic digital video recorder (My computer does this if I connect it to the cable)
(04) high-speed internet access (i.e., not dialup)
(--) a surround sound system in bedroom
(05) DVD player in bedroom (On the computer)
(--) at least a hundred DVDs (Kinda, but it's all ISO images on my computers)
(06) a childfree bathroom (I'm gay, so no spawnlings here)
(--) your own in-house office
(--) a pool
(--) a guest house
(--) a game room
(--) a queen-size bed or larger
(--) a stocked bar
(07) a working dishwasher
(--) an icemaker

(--) a working washer and dryer (in the apartment complex)
(--) more than 20 pairs of shoes
(--) at least ten things from a designer store
(--) expensive sunglasses
(--) framed original art (not lithographs or prints)
(--) Egyptian cotton sheets or towels
(--) a multi-speed bike
(--) a gym membership
(--) large exercise equipment at home
(--) your own set of golf clubs
(--) a pool table
(--) a tennis court
(08) local access to a lake, large pond, or the sea (I live in downtown Seattle, if I drive 5 minutes in just about any direction, I get to water)
(--) your own pair of skis or snowboard
(09) enough camping gear for a weekend trip in an isolated area
(--) a boat (I wish... If it was big enough and I had a boat, I'd live on it)
(--) a jet ski
(--) a neighborhood committee membership
(--) a beach house or a vacation house/cabin
(--) wealthy family members
(--) two or more family cars
(--) a walk-in closet or pantry
(--) a yard
(--) a hammock
(--) a personal trainer
(10) good credit
(--) expensive jewelry (No point, it's a waste of money and resources)
(--) a designer bag that required being on a waiting list to get
(11) at least $100 cash in your possession right now
(--) more than two credit cards bearing your name (not counting gas cards or debit cards) (I don't want more than one)
(--) a stock portfolio
(12) a passport
(--) a horse
(--) a trust fund (either for you or created by you)
(13) private medical insurance
(--) a college degree, and no outstanding student loans

Do you:
(--) shop for non-needed items for yourself (like clothes, jewelry, electronics) at least once a week
(--) do your regular grocery shopping at high-end or specialty stores
(--) pay someone else to clean your house, do dishes, or launder your clothes (not counting dry-cleaning)
(--) go on weekend mini-vacations
(--) send dinners back with every flaw
(--) wear perfume or cologne (not body spray) (Fragrances are neurotoxins, I refuse to use them, they're also a waste of money and resources)
(--) regularly get your hair styled or nails done in a salon
(--) have a job but don't need the money OR
(--) stay at home with little financial sacrifice
(--) pay someone else to cook your meals
(--) pay someone else to watch your children or walk your dogs
(--) regularly pay someone else to drive you taxis
(--) expect a gift after you fight with your partner

Are you:
(14) an only child
(--) married/partnered to a wealthy person
(--) baffled/surprised when you don't get your way

Have you:
(--) been on a cruise
(15) traveled out of the country
(16) met a celebrity (I've met a few, mostly news anchors, random famous figures, etc.)
(17) been to the Caribbean
(18) been to Europe
(--) been to Hawaii
(19) been to New York (I live about a half hour away)
(20) eaten at the space needle in Seattle
(--) been to the Mall of America
(--) been on the Eiffel tower in Paris
(21) been on the Statue of Liberty in New York
(--) moved more than three times because you wanted to
(--) dined with local political figures (well, sort of)
(22) been to both the Atlantic coast and the Pacific coast

Did you:
(--) go to another country for your honeymoon
(--) hire a professional photographer for your wedding or party
(23) take riding or swimming lessons as a child
(24) attend private school
(--) have a Sweet 16 birthday party thrown for you

Total: 24

Not really all that spoiled though, just luck of being in the right place at the right time.

Current Mood: sick
Current Music: Keyboards and fans, oh my...

Norwescon and other weekend mayhem
Friday I went to the Mercury with Sarah. We were making jokes that neither of us will probably have much luck picking anyone up there because we end up looking like we're together when we go. Oops... Oh and curses to my pathological shyness stopping me from getting up and dancing. I *so* want to, but I'm too shy to do it. Being a wallflower will not help me find someone... *shakes fist*

Saturday I met up with Robert and some of his friends at Norwescon. They were 3 hours late... But during that wait I discovered that the "security" for the con was a joke, I got into *every* pay area without any problem. Met up with them, then went around everywhere, hung out, then hit the room parties. I'm still being punished for the roomparty raiding, I ate and drank such a random combination of stuff that my stomach is *still* angry with me. Yay for eating trash, and lots of it... I had a great time though and I will be going back next year. As a note to some people on here, I spent most of my time at the Ivo's birthday party roomparty. If you were there, then you probably saw the insanely cute guy wearing all white with the little bit of a beard. He was very obviously gay as he was cuddling up with some of the guys there. I wanted him bad. Hehe. I also stopped in at pretty much all the roomparties except Biohazard's, but that was because of the insane line and my being very impatient and not liking crowds... I had been hoping to get in to visit with

lzzybeth and maybe

minstrel_dave if they were there, but I didn't see either, I'm not even sure they went this year.

Of course I had the usual problem of seeing various couples, especially the gay ones, together and having fun and became instantly depressed... I really do not do well being alone, it does very bad things to my mental stability.

I did see

samemaha there briefly, but I was upstairs on the balcony and only heard someone call "Gibbitt", I *think* I saw her. I didn't have much of a chance to try to get her attention or talk to her though. Bummer on that. I also think I saw Sylvan there, but I'm not sure.

Anyway, it was a fun night there, got ripped out of my mind both in my car in the parking lot and in a couple of room parties, plus I got a little drunk. In all it was good fun and I shall be a paying con-goer next year.

samemaha sorry I missed you, I would have loved to have actually met you finally. I hope you had fun there.

Current Mood: sick
Current Music: Normal NOC noises

Just got back from the Mercury. I'm pretty depressed, it could be that I'm just majorly sleep depped and my body is reacting badly to all of the recent abuse (alcohol, a few cigarettes, and a lot of pot), but I think it has more to do with seeing various pairs of guys, both at the club, and on the streets around Capitol Hill, all happy and hugging and stuff, and I'm alone and greatly craving the physical and emotional attention, bonding, and security... I didn't really have it with Mikey, but I had a little bit from him and that was enough to keep me from going crazy.

I really want to find someone, and soon...

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Infected Mushroom - "Arabian Nights on Mescaline"

A lot of things are changing around the office, the owner capped the TS bandwidth, the office is consolidating, and amazingly the owner is talking about resuming advertising and making our pricing competitive again, so maybe I'll have this job longer than two years, that would rock.

Beyond that, not much has been going on. I'm not having much luck getting a replacement BF, and no surprise I'm getting a buildup of urges I want to get rid of ASAP... Grr...

Myspace seems to be more like "mysexspace", I keep getting solicited to, it's really fucking annoying. Do gay guys *ever* have anything other than sex on their minds? I've now added a note to my profile requesting that people stop soliciting me for one-night stands and that I'm only looking for a serious relationship without the stereotypical gay promiscuity bullshit. So yeah, I'm still not liking myspace, it's full of freaks and sex-crazed loonies who're using it as a hookup site. Also, I want to kill the asshats who embed music and videos, yes, on broadband it loads fast, but I listen to music all the time, I hate spending time finding all the goddamn stream boxes to turn them off. *rant*

Went to Boeing Surplus yesterday and picked up a cool industrial hanging fluorescent lamp for the living room, now I have to engineer some mounts for it to hang it on the wall. I also acquired a funky halogen table lamp I have to fix, I'll convert that to LED low-voltage lighting and use it on the coffee door in the living room. And I acquired a very old looking lamp that I may put on ebay, it seems to have been made around the early 1900's as it has primitive cast glass parts and a cloth-wrapped powercord, it's real old, but cool, and hopefully worth something more than the $1.79 I paid for it.

Brent also redid the network again, this time using one of my old microboxes as the router, it's all running great other than the annoying metal/metal vibration noise that's coming from the server closet now. I'll fix that problem tonight.

And tonight I'm heading out to the merc with Sarah and Josh again, maybe if all goes well I'll meet up with Joe as well and get him in there. I'm seriously debating asking him out, things might actually work with him as he's not sex driven and he's a nice and reliable guy, and well, I've had the hots for him for a while too, like pretty much since I met him, I just never got up the nerve to ask him out.

Note to self: trying to outsmoke Robert's mom results in a very funky day after... I seriously need to cut down on my stonage, though it isn't interfering at all with my job or life thankfully, just makes me slow in the mornings till the caffeine kicks in.

Current Mood: calm
Current Music: Nullblock - "Kleine Jägermeister"

After trying once again to get a myspace URL I actually want and like, I have come to the conclusion there are way too many people in the world and we need to begin weeding out the excess... :)

Current Mood: blah

The week in review...
To start with, I dumped Mikey like a bad habit on Sunday. It only took me a few months longer than it should have. I really am too passive, I put up with too much shit from people in the hope that the problems will naturally sort themselves out... I should know better by now that that method only makes things worse. So, anyway, we ended as kind of friends, he majorly pissed me off on Saturday and reacted badly when I nicely, but forcefully, told him why I was pissed. I figure I have much better things to do with my time and money, hopefully one of those will be a new BF that isn't defective.

Went to the urgent care place on Monday because I had major pain where my kidneys are and I thought I was having kidney issues again, turned out I had the flu. So I was put on antiviral meds and spent the rest of Monday so stoned I couldn't move (painkillers, other than pot, have no effect on me), but after that I was feeling surprisingly well. I guess my immune system and Tamiflu work very well, as I never really got sick, I'm just real tired.

Seanet is dying, they have about 2 years or so left before the company is no longer profitable, they stopped advertising and updating their pricing to be competitive years ago. They began consolidating the company's inventory and equipment this week as well, so everyone is messed up, we're losing almost 3/4 of the office space, so now the whole staff is going to be stuffed into the tech room like sardines in a can. I do not see this ending well as we ended up with Chris, the insanely obnoxious, over-the-top dominant gay sales guy who is seriously like nails on a chalkboard to most of the people in the company. Basically he orders people around then flips out when either no one listens or someone talks back to him (read: my normal method of handling people like him, ignore or tell off). Luckly my job is still secure. :) (I'm hoping he gets terminated, he really drops the ball on what he's supposed to do.)

I finally finished a myspace profile just to shut up some myspace junkie friends of mine. I fucking hate myspace. And I'm liking it even less thanks to a random guy adding himself to my friends list and then trying as hard as he can to get into my pants... Nice enough guy, but he's definitely speshul ed, there's something seriously wrong with him, and thus he's totally not an option as a replacement for Mikey, I do need someone with full mental function. What is up with me always attracting defective people?

Craig keeps trying to get into my pants too, he got much worse about this after I told him I broke up with Mikey. It's making me just a little uncomfortable when I'm around him. As a note though, if he was closer to my age (he was born in 1958, so he's *WAY* too old), and his dick was much smaller, I could be interested in him, but well, yeah, even with a nice personality, his age kinda kills it for me.

Went to the Mercury with Sarah and a couple of her Army friends last night, that was a blast, I got utterly plastered. Some day I'll actually get my nerve up and dance, I have the urge, but I'm too shy to do it. I totally want one of her Army friends, he reminded me of Joe.

On the subject of relationships, I'm actively looking, but I'm too shy, and probably a little too odd-looking to get anyone interested in me other than some other bottom-of-the-barrel type. I'm kinda hoping maybe Joe might be up for trying things out.

Oh well, I hate not being in a relationship, I really long for the contact and affection, even the miniscule amount I got with Mikey... *sigh*

Current Mood: depressed

It's been a while...
I have finally managed to get most of my life and its schedules in some semblence of order, so I am trying to reactivate my presence on the internet.

A quick rundown of the last several months:

School:
Got kicked out of AIS for "academic insufficiency", the reinstatement process was never explained right and at this point I've decided the place isn't worth dealing with since they can't seem to get their collective heads out of their administrative asses to do things right. (The problem started with their system marking incompletes as 0.0's, I was forced to take incompletes in 4/5 of the classes due to being in the hospital the week before finals with mono.) I also decided since my life is going ok, I didn't need the $52k debt. So, with that my school career is over for good, I do not plan to return to school in the forseeable future, my life is taking a different path.

Relationships:
Somehow I'm still with Mikey, as much as he pisses me off with his flakiness, immaturity, and inability to provide the emotional support I need, or the physical affection I crave. I'm trying to get things going with Danny, but he's too busy for a relationship right now. Oh well. I did start clubbing again, so maybe I'll meet someone.

General:
My cat Corkey was put to sleep in February due to kidney failure. My dad and I had a partial falling out because of his handling of the situation. (He waited for me to call to tell me the news because he "didn't want to upset me at work", which translated to his 80 year old brain didn't think about it... Then he left her there to be put down without a friendly face around.) She was 16, and I miss her greatly, she deserved a much better end than she got. As a note, I used my old skill of mental barriers to fix the problem with my dad, at the expense of being unable to grieve.

Brent and I have a new roomate, his friend Brandon, a painfully hot raver guy. I *really* lust after him, but he's straight... Fortunately this is not causing problems. Brandon has been very helpful at the apartment, and he smokes weed, which is a plus.

Craig gave me his cat Liger, because of my loss of Corkey and because he is no longer home enough to have a pet. She is young, but she's bound to me already and in a couple years I think we'll be quite a pair. She's an ocicat and has absolutely beautiful markings, a little bit dippy though, and she eats cat litter... (*scratches head* WTF!?! is up with that?)

I bought a Dell 24" LCD earlier this week after Brent got one. We also implemented an enterprise network in the apartment using a Dell L3 managed switch, Soekris unit running MonoWall, and a Cisco 4000 series router. It's pretty impressive what just that change did to the network performance over that Linksys we had been using. (note: Linksys stuff is crap...)

That's pretty much the main points.

Last night Sarah and I went up to the Mercury for the evening, it was fun heading back to the clubs again, she's pretty fun to go with. I forgot just how much I love going to the Merc, the music, the people, it makes me happy. Though I was smoking again, I've been slowly picking that habit back up, but in a social setting, it's bad for me, but I figure if I smoke a pack every 6 months, it's not too bad, and since the Merc is a smoking club still, I'm probably getting cleaner air thru the cig's filter anyway... :)

So. yeah, I should begin updating my LJ more often now.

Current Mood: calm
Current Music: Nightwish - "End of All Hope"

Final Entry...
Due to time constraints and apparent lack of interest in my journal among the people on my friends list, this will be my final entry in LJ. It's been fun for the most part.

Recent happenings:

My weekend was a total trainwreck. It was well planned out until Wednesday when I realized my car was 600+ miles overdue for an oil change (I put on about 1000 miles/week on average, so this is easy to do unfortunately), got an appointment on Friday for the oil change at 5pm. Friday comes around, I'm part way to Bremerton, decide to call up Craig's friend who was staying at his house to let him know I could not work on Friday because of the car thing, he told me that was a problem because Craig was returning on Sunday, ahead of schedule, and that I had to be there Saturday to clean up. I did have a good time with Mikey on Friday though. Saturday I went back to Seattle to Craig's, cleaned the place up, his friend had trashed it despite telling me he had not, that didn't make me happy. 4 hours later I headed back to Bremerton, stopped over in Puyallup and stayed the night at Robert's getting high and watching movies because Mikey didn't want to get together despite my going to great lengths to get him weed... Sunday I had a service call that went completely pear-shaped and I wasted most of the day doing that. Sunday evening I went to spend time with Mikey since it was his birthday. I gave him a very nice card and gift card for Warehouse Music since he buys a lot of CDs. Then we got high and watched movies for a while until just before 10:30 when he decided to kick me out so he could play City of Villains without boring me from just watching him play a game... That really tweeked me. He has that game all the time, I made an effort to be out there to spend time with him on his birthday, got him a nice gift and everything, even got him high on purple weed, and he thanked me with that... Well, he is going to get himself kicked to the curb for this one after I talk to him on Thursday. He either was giving me a line of it so he could get rid of me and go see another guy that night, or he was so fucked up on drugs and alcohol that he didn't realize how rude he was being.

Oh well, I can do better than him.

Of course today has not gone well either... Got to work, braindead as hell, manager called in sick, so I got the 12-9pm shift... OT is good, but it pissed Craig off. I'm pretty pissed at Craig right now myself, standard communications failures that happened at a bad time. Actually my bigger concern with Craig is that I'm just borrowing the Razr phone from him since my phone failed, if I get him annoyed with me, he may take it back, which would kill my communications, and that would be bad...

And with that, I conclude my final entry in LJ. I hope you all have fun, maybe some day I will return to LJ.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: SoulRelic - "Down My Own Path"

Shrooms broke my brain... Hehe...
Friday, Mikey was over, but in the process of his coming over, he also made plans with his best friend Patrick, so we ended up at the Madison Pub. It was kind of fun, but Patrick fucked around when it was time to take him to the ferry, and he got stuck in Seattle, so he went back to the apartment with us.

Needless to say, I had hoped for an evening of just Mikey and I, but that didn't happen, and I was more than a little annoyed at it. He does this kind of crap too often. I like hanging out with Patrick and his other friends because they are fun to be around, but I would think that if the original plan was for a night just the two of us, he would keep it that way rather than altering plans... He is really immature sometimes, a very sweet and lovable guy though, but immature and thinks only of having fun rather than of relationship and stuff like that. At this point I am starting treat this relationship more like a "friends with benefits" arrangement rather than an actual relationship...

To make it short, we got back, we got into the shrooms James gave me the other day, and we got ourselves beyond fucked up. Brent was having a field day playing "tweek the tripper", and I got a little paranoid of noise because Mikey and especially Patrick have no concept of volume once they get inebriated and I was worried about the neighbors getting pissed. (Granted, I've made more noise than them before without issue, I think the place has good soundproofing, or the neighbors just don't care.), so I was fighting the shrooms.

To sum up my experience with them: it was fun, but would have been a lot more fun if I had not been fighting it and worrying about friends fucking things up. As for the effect: it felt like something reached into my head, unplugged all the wiring, then started randomly plugging it all back in to see what it would do. I kept cycling between being lucid and in reality, and then into foggy states of altered consciousness which included times where I would just fall over and start twitching or say things randomly. It was an interesting experience, I was able to remember and even be aware during the points where I was doing most of the wierd stuff. I plan to do them again some time, but probably either alone or with Robert, Mikey and crew are not good to do hallucinogens with, they get too crazy, and I like it calm and quiet so I can interpret and live the altered state.

Current Mood: tired

New Years
I spent New Years with my parents, Robert, and Brent. We spent the night eating and watching Futurama until about 11:50 when we went to the kitchen windows to watch the Space Needle fireworks. (Have I mentioned just how awesome my view is from the apartment?) It was a fun and quiet night. I kinda wish I could have gotten shitfaced and stoned with friends and then gone wandering around like I did last year, but instead I had more of a family thing, but I had fun anyway.

I just hope 2006 goes smoother than 2005, but still just as full of adventure and new things as 2005 was.

So, yeah, here's to a new year full of the unknown, fun, and success!

Current Mood: tired

The last part of 2005 in recap...
It's been a long time since I've posted on LJ. Actually, it's been a long time since I've done anything online beyond check my e-mail and get on IRC... Life has been crazy since the middle of November.

So, here it is, the last month or so recapped:

I got really sick at the beginning of December, with mono... I ended up in the hospital with a fever of 104+ and spikes over 109, it was not fun. I also ended up out of work and school for a week, but luckly work gave me sick leave.

More of the usual problems with Mikey: unreliability, flaky on calls, etc... This is getting really annoying, but I'm still putting up with it because he is such a nice guy. He gave me a LOTR Minas Tirith sculpture, a bottle of tequila, and a best buy gift card for X-mas. His parents got me a really nice sweater too. And I still need to track down a copy of The Brothers Grimm for him... Stupid Suncoast is out of copies like everywhere. I wish he could fix some of his issues with reliability, he really would be a keeper if he would do that and also stop with his wierd almost phobia like issue with not touching me below the waist...

Got de-virginized by Sarah in a random act of stupidity, though I must say recieving oral is absolutely heavenly. Hehe... Apparently my extreme submissiveness is a major turn on to her, but her tits are a major turn off to me... I don't like tits, they just are kinda there and get in the way I think, but then again I'm gay, so it shouldn't be a surprise.

Danny suddenly is trying to get into my life.

This whole Sarah and Danny thing is really throwing my life off... Granted my relationship with Mikey is a little borked and I'm starting to look again.

Got kicked out of AIS because of a screw up on the paperwork for my incompletes. I'm not sure I even want to return to school. I'm thinking of paying off my $50k debt, then switching back to tech.

My laptop died, my main computer blew a video card.

It's not been a fun month...

Well, it seems my body is finally kicking the shit out of this bug. I'm doing a lot better. But I still have to drop out of school, and I'm still out of work until Monday. At least it sounds like I'm being switched to paid sick leave despite my 90 days not being up yet. Apparently Seanet's CFO's wife was in the hospital for a week thanks to mono some years ago, so he's familiar with how utterly satanic this disease is.

So, in other news, I'm returning to Seattle today (Thursday) after a doctor appointment to get my sinus and ear infections dealt with and my ears cleaned out. That will help greatly with a few things actually.

I spent the last two evenings with Mikey, surprisingly I think things will actually keep working despite the fact I'm not letting him kiss me until he's been tested for mono on the 22nd. Also, I got him hooked on Stargate! :) On that note, episode 13 of SG: Atlantis is amazing, the ending sequence blew me away. I won't spoil it though, just download and watch it.

Current Mood: sick
Current Music: Girls Under Glass - "The Bitter End"

Advertisement